Worse than Nicolas Cage

The first thing you need to know about Viktor Bout is that everyone knows that he's one of the most heinous gun-runners on the planet. He's openly supplied Charles Taylor of Liberia, rebels and terrorists in Colombia (FARC), Lebanon (Hizbullah) and Afghanistan (Taliban). He essentially has a fetish for giving guns to the most evil people he can find. And everybody knows it. President Clinton approved several operations to capture him, as did several European governments. The UN placed a travel ban on him, and Nicolas Cage's Lord of War was based on him. Everybody knew.

Which is why Bout's arrest in Bangkok as a result of a joint Thai-US operation is so disappointing. The Thai court ruled that since it did not consider FARC a terrorist organisation, it could not extradite Bout to the USA to stand trial. US lawyers and officials cried foul, but everyone's fingers are steeped deep in this pie.

The US themselves used Bout's services during their invasion of Iraq, to transport both military and civilian cargos, hundreds of times. Russia has actually officially stated that they're glad he's not being tried, and that he is "returning to the Motherland", and Thailand is standing firm in ruling that the only possible charge to bring against Bout is a connection to FARC.

Despite the fact that everyone knows. There's even a goddamn tape recording of him speaking to US agents (impersonating FARC), saying that he hopes the weapons he's selling them "will be used to kill Americans, who are my enemies too."

The man is estimated to be worth about $6 billion, providing yet another massive asterisk and energetic footnote to the old canard "crime doesn't pay".

Politics is Jokes

Beppe Grillo, one of the most famous Italian comedians around, has tried and failed to join the Democratic Party (DP), Italy's main opposition party to Silvio Berlusconi's government. His aim was to get elected into the party's secretariat, "to fill a space left empy in the Left". Despite being rejected, and derided, by everyone in the DP, he's going to try to get 2000 signatures to support his candidacy for the party primaries, which should be easy due to his overwhelming popularity in Italy.

Although this is something of a vanity project for him, multi-millionaire that he is, Mr. Grillo's policy platforms are good, if fairly basic in a civilised country. He wants to disallow anyone with convictions from running for Parliament, and he wants to place a limit of two terms on MPs. This last goal is incredibly important in a country with as established and sclerotic a political class as Italy.

This same political class has reacted strongly against Grillo's candidacy, calling him a "buffoon", and reminding everyone that he is "just a comedian, making jokes". This is what irks me most about this affair. Just as happened with the recent election of comedian Al Franken as Senator for Minnesota, a lot of people seem to think that comedians are inherently incapable of being "serious people", and that everything that they say and do must be a joke of some sort.

Leaving aside the fact that most comedians are real people and can thus have identities beyond their career, I'm against the idea that comedy is necessarily an inconsequential distraction. Given the amount of political comedy around, I'd think it was obvious that comedians are able to have actual insights concerning politics, and that these observations are consequential, even if they are funny.

When someone remarks on Picasso's Guernica and the statement it makes about the horrors of fascism, most people don't have the arrogance to shrug and say "pfft, it's just a painting."

In The Interests of Shamelessness...

Just to do away with any unrealistic pretence that Minister of Equal Oppo- rtunities Mara Carfagna (pictured left), and Minister of Education Maria Stella Gelmini (below), are anything but leering posts for the men of the Italian parliament, Berlusconi today announced that in the absence of his ex-wife Veronica Lario, Miss Carfagna and Miss Gelmini will be showing the wives of the G8 heads of state around Rome. While the men (and German demi-woman Angela Merkel) take care of the important business.

Miss Carfagna, an ex-topless showgirl, has long been a paragon of the Italian parody of "equal opportunities", and in a country where the majority of 18-year-old girls' greatest ambition is to become a topless showgirl ("velina"), it stands to reason that she would be picked for the role. But of course, she should remember that whatever ministerial position she may occupy in the government, she is first and foremost a woman, and as the most attractive woman Berlusconi has regular access to now, it's only natural that she reverts to the role of surrogate housewife.

Where before I had sympathy for Miss Carfagna, I now have nothing but contempt. If she valued any part of her dignity as a human being, she would refuse and resign. But she won't, will she? Well, let's just hope she wears white, like all other domestic appliances.

An old divan with an even older woman leaning over it. Literally as good as Italian politics gets.

Italy Attempts Civilisation, Fails, Again

Yet another issue that blinds and deafens me with rage is the Lodo Alfano. This is a law, brought forth by the fourth Berlusconi administration in 2008, which would completely immunise the four highest posts in the government from any legal prosecution. This would include the President, the Prime Minister, and the Speakers of both houses of parliament. It's a rehash of a law that failed to pass in 2003, the Lodo Maccanico.

I don't really need to tell you how disgusting and scandalous this is, but I will. Italy would be the only country in Europe to actually make democratically elected officials less accountable. It completely undermines the constitutional principle of equality before the law, and the justifications for it are entirely based on the idea that Berlusconi (pictured above detailing how far he's going to climb up Italy's ass before dying), implicated in dozens of legal proceedings, is victim to some sort of far-flung left-wing conspiracy which aims to discredit him. It's a complete fucking embarrassment for the entire political system that a Prime Minister mired in legal proceedings who proposes a law which would immunise the Prime Minister from legal proceedings doesn't get laughed out of parliament, and out of the country.

The most recent chapter regards two constitutional judges, the judges who are to make a ruling on whether this unconstitutional law is constitutional or not (on October 6). One of the judges, Luigi Mazzella, invited Berlusconi, the Minister of Justice Alfano (who wrote up the proposed law), and another constitutional judge, Paolo Napolitano, to a private dinner at his residence. When a scandal broke out because of the clear fucking conflict of interests involved, Mazzella has today had the shameless impunity to write an open letter insisting that he didn't do anything wrong, that the law in question was not discussed, and that it was a lovely dinner he would love to repeat. Throughout he referred to the Prime Minister as “my dear Berlusconi”. What a fucking gay.

This isn't of much surprise to people both inside and outside Italy, of course. In a civilised country, judges don't have private dinners with individuals who've made a law they must rule on, and individuals directly affected by that same law. Politic Blunder FlashQuiz! What kind of fucking travesty of a democracy does that make Italian politics?

The Queen Running Out of Too Much Money!

Italian daily La Repubblica reports that Queen Elizabeth II (pictured left in a chair so old it's practically falling apart) has asked the British Parliament to increase her royal stipend, drawn from the Civil List, as she fears that she may soon no longer have far too much money for one person. Her worries were sparked by the fact that the savings she had built up over the past 20 years have dwindled to almost nothing, due to her chronic inability to spend within the enormously ample means afforded by the placid, uncomplaining, increasingly poor British taxpayer.

Her Civil List is intended primarily to cover the cost of her personal assistants and servants, and clocks in at about £7,900,000 a year. This is quite apart from the money which goes towards preserving the luxuriant excess of the monarchy as a whole, which costs about £41,000,000, and includes maintaining the palaces of Windsor, Buckingham and Balmoral.

The Queen claimed that she was forced to dip into her savings to the tune of £6,000,000 a year because nearly £8m did not cover the costs of the parties and ceremonies she wished to hold. Let's also not forget that the Queen's fantastic wealth is buttressed by personal earnings she accrues from her vast land and farm holdings.

Queen Elizabeth II asked for her Civil List provisions to be expanded in the 1990s, as well, but this was refused her. It seems she's chosen the financial crisis as the perfect time to reiterate her request not out of any real need for money, but to gleefully remind the struggling British taxpayer how unsoundly rich she is, and to spark a public debate that will let everyone know that eight million pounds is simply not enough for her, her parties, and her platoon of corgis (one of which pictured above, being boarded onto a plane swaddled in cloths probably more costly than a misdiagnosed mole.)

This Also Happened

Because Italy embarrassed itself far more this week than I could go over in one Politic Blunder 

feature, a follow-up post was needed. 

At a NATO summit earlier this week, PM Berlusconi (pictured left talking on his mobile instead of being a Prime Minister), refused to acknowledge German Chancellor Merkel and the rest of the most powerful men and women in the world who were waiting for him to make a symbolic walk across a symbolic bridge to symbolically meet French President Sarkozy, symbolising the enduring importance of symbolism in politics. 

Mr. Berlusconi is on record claiming that he definitely wasn't talking down his cracked out transexual prostitute on the phone.

Update: I've been told to make clear that Mr. Berlusconi claims he on his mobile in negotiation with Turkish PM Tayyip Erdogan, trying to get him to accept Danish PM Anders Rasmussen as Secretary-General of NATO. If this is confirmed, it will make his actions misplaced and arrogant, but less so.

Italy also embarrassed itself by throwing a clueless fit about the new law in Afghanistan which essentially legalises marital rape. Terrible though this law is, Italy has completely missed the point by threatening to withdraw all female troops from its operations in Afghanistan (pictured left: the comeliest of these troops). The problem with this is that the Italian military clearly didn't think it was realistic to remove all its troops from Afghanistan. The implication is therefore that the female troops are sufficiently expendable that withdrawing them to make a point about women is a feasible option. It's incoherent and entirely inappropriate.

If you want to make a point, Italy, do it like a normal country. Please?

Where Is Your God Now, Mortal?

Two Tunisian pilots were today sentenced to 10 years in prison because of their actions in a 2005 plane crash off the coast of Sicily which resulted in the deaths of 19 people (pictured left). 

The pilots, flying for Turkish Airlines, prayed to their god instead of taking essential emergency measures before the plane crashed in the sea. They managed to emerged unscathed, and waited with the rest of the survivors on the wings of the plane for rescue.

Two things could have happened. Their god could have heard their loud and frantic prayers before the crash and saved their lives, whilst condemning the most wicked 19 passengers on the jet to a premature death and a quick trip to fiery oblivion. Or the gross negligence displayed by two pilots charged with the duty to keep passengers safe could have resulted in up to 19 unnecessary deaths.

A Politic Blunder feels that mandatory atheism might be a good idea for all jobs where mindlessly jabbering prayers could interfere with the execution of one's duties and place other people's lives at risk. But that might just be the rage and disgust talking.

Own Ass Handed To British Judges, Used

British judges today agreed not to divulge details of the treatment of Guantanamo detainee and British resident Binyam Mohamed contained in an earlier court opinion on his case, following explicit threats by the US State Department to sever intelligence flows on terrorism should the UK not comply. The decision by High Court Judges Thomas and Lloyd Jones to bow to the USA's threats has caused something of a diplomatic stir, since the US government is being especially hostile on this issue.

The onus will fall on President Obama to patch things up, even though the threats were actually issued by the Bush administration. This should be a fairly perfunctory task, given how ridiculous the threats were. 

There is no strategic reason to obfuscate evidence of torture or other maltreatment of prisoners in Guantanamo. It doesn't give the terrorists an edge to know that some cock in the US Navy is going to shit on a Koran if they get caught. Additionally, the threat to sever intelligence links with the UK if the passages are released is completely unrelated, and is a mere act of spite. 

In response to this quarrel, the US State Department issued a reassurance:

The United States investigates allegations and claims of torture, and cruel, inhumane, or degrading treatment such as those raised by Binyam Mohamed.

We're just not allowed to know when, how, and if it actually does. But we should trust that it definitely does.

This Also Happened...

The School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS), finds its library making its most politically insightful comment yet (pictured left). 

SOAS is generally a very good school, with a friendly community and a genuinely impressive library. The administrative failures it is famous for are present, and are embarrassing, but it's easy to be sympathetic with the professors, who are truly passionate about their subject.  SOAS is also famous for possessing the highest concentration of trustafarians in the world. To be frank, I have yet to actually encounter that many of them around the campus. You see baggy hemp and dreadlocks, you smell stale weed, and you occasionally hear the hue and cry of orientalist indignation (''S'all about deh people, cha blud! Brap!''), but it's more of a sticky residue clinging to the corners of the stairwells than a pretentious wall of postcolonial elitism. If you want to be loud, idealistic, and drunk, there is certainly space for you. But at the postgraduate level especially, those who want to quietly work their way through to practical if unambitious degree aren't crowded out.

That said, the SOAS refectory had the following scrawled personal ad posted in two separate places: 'Looking for asexual cuddle-buddy. Must be at least 6 ft. tall and not too well hung. Call for hugs.' So maybe I was utterly, utterly wrong. 

A Tragedy of Journalistic Standards

I considered doing a piece today on the recent parliamentary elections in Austria which have led to a worryingly huge increase in support for two far-right parties, Alliance for Austria's future, and the ubiquitously named Freedom Party. But I thought I'd let that pan out and give you all(both of you) a bit of a break from parliamentary intrigue, at least until tomorrow. 

Whilst perusing the BBC's video news in the hopes of bringing you all something a little bit less dry, and possibly something with more tits (there aren't very many in most European parliaments.), I came across the promisingly named video 'Swedish Women Dice With Death on M6'. You can see the video here. What I thought was going to be two mud-wrestling Swedish babes come to England to make it large, mistaking traffic rules on the M6, and having to mud-wrestle their way out of the country turned out to just be a really tragic, sad story, milked for as much drama as possible by British taxpayer money. Obviously.

Two Swedish women attempted to commit suicide, it seems, by running in front of fast traffic on a motorway. After being taken into police custody, they repeatedly broke free and ran into traffic over and over until one had been hit by a lorry and critically wounded, and another had to be restrained by six officers to prevent her from running back into traffic. And this is after she'd already been hit by one car. The video ends with talk of them being charged with assault on the officers, when it's blindingly obvious that they're clearly not in their right minds. 

It takes a certain sort of mind in editorial journalism to not only consider running a story on such a tragic event, but luridly cutting the video so that the cries of the women and officers involved are given an echo to add a dramatic touch to the proceedings. Journalism has a purpose. It's there to inform us on what's going on in the world so that we are better cognizant of our place in it, and therefore better able to make judgments on how to act in it. No one gains from watching a video of two women trying to run into traffic, beyond clucking at the television and saying 'crazy world, eh'. The idea of journalism pandering to the masses and producing 'edu-tainment' is a laboured point.  There is a place for making political or scientific journalism accessible and entertaining for audiences. That's different from dredging up the most tragic, pointless events one can and proudly putting them on display for us to gawk at like some post-modern freakshow.

To cap it all off, the video went black after it finished, then asked me if I wanted to see 'MORE LIKE THIS', and directed me to a wordless video of a boy being hit by a bus. They might as well have cut in ''hurr hurr'' and the sound of crunching popcorn.

Bono + Brown vs. The French

This week has seen one of the worst financial crises in recent memory, according to econo- mists, bankers, and other slick big-towners. Everyone is talking about 30% increases in the price of food, the dearth of loan opportunities, and events like Lehman, the 4th largest investment bank in the US, filing for bankruptcy have basically confirmed the 'hell in a handbasket' diagnosis. Amidst all the squealing issuing from the Western world, what is of most concern to the folks at the United Nations is that Western countries do not renege on their promises of aid to developing countries. French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner stated that he thought that it was 'a bit unfair' for starving, AIDS-ridden African countries with shattered economies to be asking the richest countries in the world to honour commitments they made to give aid. This sentiment has been echoed elsewhere in the developed world, though only the French had the audacity to get their most senior diplomat to essentially give the finger to two-thirds of the world.

Much like the armies of Saruman bringing forth the cave troll to assail the mountain fortress of Helm's Deep, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon (pictured above in his Kofi Annan costume), has brought out the big guns by unleashing Bono on the French. 'The last few days have re-injected momentum that must sweep on' Bono opined. 'Even in these tough times, this historic promise has never been more important to keep.' Slightly less eloquent was senior statesman Gordon Brown, who added 'This would be the worst time to turn back.' The French have not been contacted concerning a reply, but it is safe to say they would not dare turn their sharp Gallic tongues on the messianic Irishman.

Ban Ki-Moon is currently asking for $72 billion in aid every year for the next ten years, in a program he claims has the ability to win the war on poverty. He cited the great success of attempts to eradicate malaria in Africa as evidence that the continent is more than just a cash-sink. The fact that in the midst of one of the financial panic there are still loud voices calling for increased aid to developing countries is something to be proud of. Foreign aid, especially to sub-Saharan Africa, has traditionally been at the very bottom of the priority list of most budgeting legislatures.  But we have seen a steady increase in the amounts of aid promised by G8 governments, and although there is a worryingly large discrepancy between this figure and the amounts actually delivered, political will is a genuine precursor to actual policy. Africa will not be receiving $72 billion this year. No one thinks that. The World Bank on Thursday promised just $1.1 billion to continue efforts to eradicate malaria in Africa. But we are still seeing real progress.

Forget Chocolate

Today Thomas Doerflein, celebrity zookeeper, died in undisclosed circum- stances, aged 44. The German skyrocketed to fame after he adopted a small polar bear after its mother rejected it. Naming it Knut, he then proceeded to spend 150 days giving it round-the-clock attention, food, and life affirming talks. The bear and his keeper became celebrities after it was discovered that polar bear cubs are incredibly cute. Doerflein's shows where he would cuddle the bear and talk to it the same way people talk to babies attracted audiences of over 1 million.

Most importantly, though, is that Doerflein became an international sex symbol following his selfless acts. Not only was he rugged and bearded, but sensitive and passionate about animals. Women's knees were sublimating everywhere. He was sent reams of love letters  and leering young women would often catcall 'Knuuut! Knuuuut!' at him while he walked by. The ingrate Thomas Doerflein refused to revel in either media or female attention. But you've heard it here first, lads. You say it best when you say it with an infant bear. We show Mr. Doerflein due respect for being one of the pioneering players of our times, and for giving us a wonderful new way to score the ever-elusive 'political activist ass'. I salute you, sir, truly you are a Polar Pimp.

Ex-Fascist Still Fascist!

In other news, the gargantuan mayor of Rome (pictured left), Gianni Alemanno, has caused some political fracas with his comments concerning fascism, an ideology he once espoused as a member of the MSI, a neo-fascist group formed in the ashes of post-war Italy. In an interview with Italian broadsheet Corriere Della Sera, Alemanno stated that he didn't think fascism itself was 'pure evil', but that the racist and anti-semitic policies brought in under Italian fascism were.

The most interesting thing about this story is the amount of coverage it actually got outside of Italy. It demonstrates the utter ignorance the rest of the world has regarding the way politics is run on the peninsula. Italy is a country whose political system encompasses proud neo-fascists on the one hand and staunch communist doctrinaires on the other. It is a country where an ex-porn star running for office ironically has a cleaner record than most other politicians (in terms of both policy and sexual deviance), and where our Foreign Minister wore a t-shirt printed with the controversial Danish Muhammad cartoons in the midst of the scandal. In other words, it is not a country in which imprudent, lewd, or offensive comments are news. Unless directed at over-sensitive German socialists.

The comments did not cause an uproar. A Reuters news article amusingly refers to 'Italy's Left' creating an outcry, by which they really meant an impressively bearded Communist professor and a few students starstruck by the size of his beard. Of course, the gigantic mayor Alemanno has little to fear from such voices on the margins.

The Charm of Territorial Integrity

So why is it that Georgia, a small, corrupt Eurasian country in what is effectively the geographical equivalent of the devil's asshole has been championed as a brave and defiant victim of Russian imperialist aggression? From the news saturation of the Russian recognition of the breakaway regions of Abkhazia and South Ossetia, we are led to believe that Russia has engaged in an unconscionable and lawless act by supporting the independence of these two regions.

But of course, national self-determination is a right for Kurdish peoples, for East Timorians, and even Palestinians. Why do the South Ossetians and Abkhazians need to put up with Georgian control? Both regions have had referendums voting overwhelmingly in favour of secession, but of course, Georgia is under no legal international obligation to recognise these attempts at self-determination. What we are seeing from the USA and Europe is an attempt to use the 'old' politics of state sovereignty and non-interference that they have so thoroughly flouted over the past decade to condemn Russia's admittedly mercenary actions in the region.

There are no heroes here, and no villains. Georgia's president is trying to crush secessionism within its borders and pacify the regions of South Ossetia and Abkhazia. Their attempts to do this by military force backfired when Russian troops intervened on supposedly humanitarian grounds and kicked the Georgians out, going on to the rest of Georgia proper in order to 'stabilise' the situation. And yet, in this situation of moral ambiguity, the British press comes down heavily in favour of Georgia and its scum-sucking American puppet, Mikheil Saakashvili, who has been all too eager to level accusations of imperialist aggression at Russia whilst quietly ignoring his own autocratic excesses. There has been ample coverage of Georgian demonstrators decrying this move by Russia, but little to no coverage of Abkhazian and South Ossetian points of view. Let's be clear and ask the question repeatedly: why is it unacceptable for a region to declare independence if the vast majority of its inhabitants wish it so?