Forget Chocolate

Today Thomas Doerflein, celebrity zookeeper, died in undisclosed circum- stances, aged 44. The German skyrocketed to fame after he adopted a small polar bear after its mother rejected it. Naming it Knut, he then proceeded to spend 150 days giving it round-the-clock attention, food, and life affirming talks. The bear and his keeper became celebrities after it was discovered that polar bear cubs are incredibly cute. Doerflein's shows where he would cuddle the bear and talk to it the same way people talk to babies attracted audiences of over 1 million.

Most importantly, though, is that Doerflein became an international sex symbol following his selfless acts. Not only was he rugged and bearded, but sensitive and passionate about animals. Women's knees were sublimating everywhere. He was sent reams of love letters  and leering young women would often catcall 'Knuuut! Knuuuut!' at him while he walked by. The ingrate Thomas Doerflein refused to revel in either media or female attention. But you've heard it here first, lads. You say it best when you say it with an infant bear. We show Mr. Doerflein due respect for being one of the pioneering players of our times, and for giving us a wonderful new way to score the ever-elusive 'political activist ass'. I salute you, sir, truly you are a Polar Pimp.