Worse than Nicolas Cage

The first thing you need to know about Viktor Bout is that everyone knows that he's one of the most heinous gun-runners on the planet. He's openly supplied Charles Taylor of Liberia, rebels and terrorists in Colombia (FARC), Lebanon (Hizbullah) and Afghanistan (Taliban). He essentially has a fetish for giving guns to the most evil people he can find. And everybody knows it. President Clinton approved several operations to capture him, as did several European governments. The UN placed a travel ban on him, and Nicolas Cage's Lord of War was based on him. Everybody knew.

Which is why Bout's arrest in Bangkok as a result of a joint Thai-US operation is so disappointing. The Thai court ruled that since it did not consider FARC a terrorist organisation, it could not extradite Bout to the USA to stand trial. US lawyers and officials cried foul, but everyone's fingers are steeped deep in this pie.

The US themselves used Bout's services during their invasion of Iraq, to transport both military and civilian cargos, hundreds of times. Russia has actually officially stated that they're glad he's not being tried, and that he is "returning to the Motherland", and Thailand is standing firm in ruling that the only possible charge to bring against Bout is a connection to FARC.

Despite the fact that everyone knows. There's even a goddamn tape recording of him speaking to US agents (impersonating FARC), saying that he hopes the weapons he's selling them "will be used to kill Americans, who are my enemies too."

The man is estimated to be worth about $6 billion, providing yet another massive asterisk and energetic footnote to the old canard "crime doesn't pay".

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Chinese National Conscience, Bound with Unbreakable Bonds of Unity and Patriotism

China's reaction to the Melbourne film festival is childish and stupid, exactly like the childish and stupid response by some in the Muslim world to the Danish cartoons.

The Melbourne film festival is scheduled to show The 10 Conditions of Love, a film about Rebiya Kadeer, (pictured) international Uighur spokeswoman. But apparently because China believes she had something to do with the Uighur riots that killed 197 people last month, everyone needs to hunt her down and quickly deliver her to a glorious Chinese revolutionary court that is as fair as it is swift.

The Chinese are insisting that Australia ban the film and force it to be pulled from the film festival, echoing the sentiments of pointless Muslims demanding that the State of Denmark take responsibility for the actions of a private Danish newspaper. They've also expressed "supreme dissatisfaction" with both Japan and Australia for even granting Ms. Kadeer a visa to enter the country.

This is a good thing, though, because it provokes reflection on how readily we've accepted China so far as a major power player in the world. China's already terrified the Melbourne City Council by threatening to revoke its sister-city status with Tianjin, and its influence will only grow.

If China keeps ordering civilised countries to do retarded things like ban films for no reason, Chinese economic clout will mean that even if they can't treat us like their hapless subjects, they will have the means to force us into a reluctant self-censorship.

Pirates and Handsome Boys

Somali Pirates have now become a beloved fixture in international relations, giving diplomats things to do in a timely and regular manner. The latest is news from the Hansa Stavanger, a German container vessel seized just off Kismayu in Southern Somalia in April this year. The ship was freed today, in what German diplomats are hailing "a triumph" of negotiation.

Said German Foreign Minister Frank Walter-Steinmeier: "My thanks goes to those who worked tirelessly to bring about a solution".

Of course, the solution was to pay the pirates $2.7 million, thank them, and ask them if they could please have another. One can only wonder at the kind of double-retard-think mind that accepts this result as well as the moratorium on negotiation with "terrorists" who actually have a political agenda. One can also only wonder how easy it must be for a German negotiator to accept a million dollar kickback from the pirates in return for telling the German government "You better pay them, man, these guys are psychos, man, fuckin psychos."

It must be incredibly easy.

Also today, the Taliban have furnished an example of the mathematical postulate that the more spittle-fleck you are about being right-wing and religiously prudish, the more likely you are to be a lascivious gay. The mullahs of man-love announced that it is against god's will to have "shiny new phones" with pictures of "unrelated women" or "handsome boys" on them. The insistence with which these bedouins of the butt keep using the expression "handsome boys" is disconcerting enough, before you factor in the inevitable punishment: being held down and getting your ass lashed raw.

Thinking of their Afghan dignity, after sodomising a handsome boy with a shiny phone

These sheikhs of shit-packing issued a religious ordinance on the matter, stating that "People should think of their Afghan dignity rather than buying shiny phones"

Nokia and Ericsson have both issued statements showing that they are being proactive in designing Taliban-friendly phones which have an automatic photo-editor that turns boys into pictures of Steve Buscemi and girls into pictures of your mum, as well as a matte finish.

These imams of imbibing semen have been causing all sorts of problems with the Afghani elections, as well.